“Happy families are all alike, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way”
[Leo Tolstoy, opening line in Anna Karina]
The mental health field has, quite mistakenly, been all too focused on labeling and treating supposed mental health “disorders”. As noted by many experts, this approach is increasingly found to be based in unscientific, outdated and inhumane ideas. We are left merely seeking to manage or control symptomatic behaviors and emotions through drugs and corrective measures while the promotion of mental health and well-being is largely ignored.
The research evidence increasingly indicates that we should be focusing more on methods for promoting mental health, resilience and social well-being. Over the past two decades, mental health researchers have continually identified adverse childhood and life experiences as being at the root of most mental health and behavioral difficulties of both children and adults, not neurological “mental illnesses”! It’s time to shift toward prevention, early intervention, and health/resilience promoting strategies rather than on mere symptom reduction via medications or behavioral correction.
In her book, Resilience: What we have learned, Dr. Bonnie Benard reviewed the decades of research on resilience and identified two key factors necessary for healthy psychosocial development: 1) the availability of supportive social environments (primarily the family) and, 2) opportunities for learning positive social-emotional competencies. These two factors are intertwined! We learn social-emotional competencies when they are actively taught and modeled in healthy, supportive environments. So let’s take a deeper look at what we’ve learned about the characteristics of healthy families, those “happy families that are all alike”.
Promoting Mental Health and Resilience
All organisms (plants, animals, fish & humans!) require for healthy growth and development the presence of a supportive environment (i.e., ecosystem) free of toxins and abundant in nutrients. It is the quality of the family ecosystem that largely determines success in raising resilient, capable, mentally healthy, responsible, and successful children. We now know that such supportive, “happy families”, as suggested by Tolstoy, are very much alike in regard in two aspects, a) how they function on the five Family Life Tasks, and b) the Parenting Style employed in the home.
And, what have the past several decades of research have discovered about healthy families and successful, resilient youth? As you read on, reflect upon the implications for the relative health of your family ecosystem but keeping in mind that parents tend to view themselves through “rose colored glasses” rating their performance all too positively. The more accurate assessments are found in our children’s perspective!
The Five Family Maintenance Tasks
Just as there are regular “maintenance tasks” needing to be addressed regularly in order to successfully maintain a garden, automobile, or household, the same holds for families. These are termed the Family Maintenance Tasks of Safety, Cohesion, Behavior, Life Skills, and Boundaries. Successful families are found to consistently and appropriately address each of these family maintenance tasks in an effective and balanced manner. Just as an automobile do not operate effectively with only three good tires so too, effective families operate well only when all five task areas are met. Families experiencing chronic stress, mental health, behavioral or relationship difficulties are most often found to be under-performing, or improperly performing, in one or more of these five maintenance tasks.
Safety Maintenance
This involves meeting such basic needs as food, clothing and shelter. But additionally, it refers to providing for the personal safety of all family members. Everyone in the family needs to feel physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically and sexually safe in the home! Failure to meet this task appropriately is a form of abuse! It can occur by overt, covert, or neglectful means and can range from chronic mild maltreatment to highly toxic abuse. This is found to be the #1 factor leading to major behavioral and emotional adjustment difficulties as well as many physical health issues in both youth and adults. It is also important to note that while emotional, verbal and psychological abuse are the most common forms of maltreatment/abuse, yet our laws and institutions tend to address only physical and sexual abuse.
Cohesion Maintenance
A sense of belonging or connection to others is widely recognized as the #1 need of all humans. It is not surprising then that performance on this task is found consistently to be the single best indicator of a highly successful, happy family. Healthy family systems actively strive to develop a deep sense of belonging, caring and mutual support among all family members. Such families regularly (daily and weekly) engage in fun, shared activities together (not as rewards) and establish regular, enjoyable family rituals and traditions. Furthermore, positive, encouraging communication prevails among all members with a minimum 5:1 ratio of positive to negative/critical interactions. Positive to negative interaction ratios below this level is associated with significant problems while higher ratios are associated with more highly supportive, healthy families!
Behavior Maintenance
Appropriate behavioral expectations are established that are developmentally appropriate and maintained in a firm, fair and friendly manner. Discipline is understood as an educational, not a punitive process. Positive, cooperative behavior is recognized while incidents of misbehavior are discussed with logically related consequences employed in order to teach, not punish. Appropriate logical consequences fully meet the 4R’s criteria of Related logically, Reasonable in degree, Respectfully stated and Reliably employed. Threats and punitive actions are counterproductive! Most importantly, a parent’s effectiveness in meeting the Behavior Maintenance task is found to be dependent upon how well they first meet the Cohesion Maintenance task!
Life Skills Maintenance
There are two types of life skills which need to be actively taught, modeled, and nurtured in the family: academic/career skills and social-emotional skills. The parent’s role in teaching academic/career skills is best when focused on complimenting school based instruction through engaging in positive learning experiences together. The mistake of many parents is becoming the “homework enforcer”. Research indicates this leads to negative behavioral and learning outcomes.
The teaching of social-emotional competencies refers to actively modeling and promoting those skills most associated with future life success (career, social, and loving relationships). These skills include: understanding and respecting oneself, empathy, positive communication, cooperation, and responsible contribution. Both life skill sets are necessary for achieving occupational and social success in life though evidence indicates social-emotional skills to be the better predictor of success in life!
Boundary Maintenance
This task stems from the old New England saying, “Good fences make good neighbors! Family members respect one another’s privacy, personal autonomy, and interests. Effective parents do not attempt to over-control their children nor do they become overly involved and protective in all aspects of their children’s lives (e.g., the “helicopter parent”). Appropriate autonomy and individual responsibility is respected. Further, boundary maintenance also refers to actively nurturing the marital relationship and not becoming so devoted to parenting that the marriage relationship is neglected.
Family Environment Outcomes
Numerous studies involving several thousands of adolescents have documented the effects of family environment/parenting styles on academic and social development. Four basic parenting prototypes emerge from this research: authoritarian-autocratic, permissive-indulgent, permissive-disengaged, and authoritative-democratic. The first three prototype styles are associated with negative outcomes with the worst outcomes being via permissive-disengaged parenting.
However, the authoritative-democratic parenting style which incorporates the five Family Maintenance Tasks is consistently associated with positive outcomes such as: higher academic achievement, positive school adjustment, higher aspirations, greater creativity, higher intellectual functioning, and greater intellectual curiosity. Children from such families are also found to have more positive relationships with peers and adults and the lowest incidences of behavioral difficulties, emotional adjustment problems, substance abuse and school failure.
[Interested in learning more about how to develop a more supportive family, school, classroom, or work environment? Contact the Resilience Counseling & Training Center in North Conway, NH for further information on training, speaking, coaching and consultation services]
